Are there any principles governing our relationships?

I first thought of writing this blogpost , based on "I and Thou" of Martin Buber .But then , I found it too philosophical  and abstract.So , I opted for a simpler course of  writing on the basis of my experience.To those   readers who find this post simplistic, I apologize beforehand .But still , I feel that  what I write below does make sense to me.Whether we like it or not , we are individuals but we need other people.We need a few intimate relationships and we need a number of not-so-deep relationships(what is now  known as social capital).It is too complicated and somewhat mechanical   to enumerate any  principles  underlying these relationships .But I have experienced and observed that   relationships are the most important part of life , and it does us   no harm to reflect on a few  unifying principles .Theses can help us in saving lot of time  and unhappiness.In fact , these principles ,in many ways , define our attitude to the world , life and people.Here are the principles I find worth pondering about .The list is illustrative , and you are welcome to add to it or amend it .

1.Have no possessiveness in any relationship, personal or professional .Dont be jealous.

2.Have no expectation from any one , including friends. Be ready to be  dropped from any relationship .

3.Dont be intrusive in any relationship.

4.Never betray others .Keep their secrets.Never breach their trust.

5.Shed your ego in all relationships .Be humble .Dont be stubborn .

6.Dont criticise.

7.Dont be argumentative .Adopt a caring approach .Be tolerant .

8.Dont be selfish.

9.Dont be prejudiced.

10.Dont be judgemental.

12.Dont spread slander.

13.Dont give unsolicited advice.

14.Love with depth,dignity and desire.Work for elegance in relationships.Remain disciplined in relationships.

15Dont get easily hurt by small things, careless words of others .

 16.Never use words carelessly .

17.Never associate with careless people.

18.In case of doubt , attribute best motive to others.

19.Honour your words.

20.Practise no gender discrimination .Never practise harassment.

21..Say please and thank you .Be courteous.

22.Have an inclusion mindset.

23.Never keep people waiting , if they have fixed an appointment with you .

24.Remain self-effacing and low profile.

25.Practise malice towards none.

26.Give time to people.

27.Help in liberating talent of others.Inspire others.

28.Practise interdependence.

29.Be broadminded.

30.Co-ordinate and orchestrate.

31.Encourage others to be open to you .

32.Dont accept gifts from people  whom you donot know well.

33.Have a confidant.

34.Learn to present your case.

35.Be humorous and light-hearted.
36.Be invested in the growth of the other person to reach their potential.(Courtesy:Romy Mishra)
37.Seek and give the truth-esp. when it's not easy.(Courtesy:Romy Mishra)

Girl meets Boy by Ali Smith

 The novel is funny  and  deeply serious , at the same time .When I started reading it , I thought it was all about gay relationships .But it turned  out to be much more than that and grew on me.It puts across the  gender based issues in such a remarkable  style that the reader can only  admire Ali Smith  with awe and wonder .It retells Ovid's gender-bending myth of Iphis and Ianthe , as seen through the eyes of two Scottish sisters in modern times.This myth originates in Book 9 of Ovid's Metamorphoses.
                        The book successfully bends the gender barriers, as  here:"She had the swagger of a girl.She blushed like a boy.She had a girl's toughness.She had a  boy's gentleness.
                 It has a unique way of highlighting gender-based discrimination. " WHEN YOU SEE A WRONG ,WRITE IT"  .Like:
1.Across the world,two million girls get killed before birth or at birth because they were not boys .That's on record .Add to that the off-record estimate of fifty-eight million more girls , killed because they weren't boys.That's sixty million girls.
2.All across the world, where women are doing exactly the same work as men, they 're being paid between thirty to forty percent less.That's not fair .This must change.
3.Two million girls annually forced into marriage worldwide.
4.Sexual or domestic violence affects one out of every three women and girls worldwide and this is the world's leading cause of injury and death for women.
5.Women occupy two percent of senior management positions in business worldwide.
6.Three and a half percent of the world's total number of cabinet ministers are women.Women have no ministerial positions in ninety three countries of the world.This must change.
                            Ali Smith is too good with words.On water :Still waters run deep . In deep water.Won't hold water.Get into hot water.Head above water.Throw cold water.It is good to be goal oriented.It makes all the other things go out of your mind "Mobiles get in the way of us living fully and properly in the present moment and connecting properly on a real level, with people and are just another way to sell us short."
                                   I read the paperback edition of this novel of 165 pages in 6 hours.It is  lively , interesting ,lyrical full of  freshness.It deals with extraordinary  energy  myth, story-telling, sexuality , gender , feminism and relationships  in modern times .I recommend you to read it .

The True Believer by Eric Hoffer

This slim book (175 pages), first published in 1951 , became a classic in social psychology and tells us how a person becomes a fanatic and what the dynamics of a mass movement are .It is very provocative and insightful , and is as relevant today as it was in 1951.I enjoyed reading it and benefited immensely from it .                                                     
        Early Christianity was very outspoken  in its antagonism  toward the family .When one of His  disciples asked leave to go and bury his father,Jesus said to him:"Follow me;and let the dead bury their dead."Disruption of the family creates a responsiveness to the appeal of mass movements.Hitler made full use of"the society ladies thirsting for adventure, sick of their empty lives, no longer getting a kick out of love affairs." A rising mass movement preaches the immediate hope.Later, as the movement  comes into  possession of power,the emphasis is shifted  to the distant hope.
                         It requires an exceptional leader to mobilise existing attitudes and impulses into a drive of  mass movement . In such leaders , we do not find exceptional intelligence, noble character and originality  indispensable , or even   desirable."The main requirements seem to be : audacity and a joy in defiance;an iron will;a fanatical conviction that he is in possession of the one and only truth faith in his destiny and luck; a capacity for passionate hatred;contempt for the present;a cunning estimate of human nature;a delight in symbols , spectacles and ceremonials;unbounded brazenness which finds expression in a disregard of consistency and fairness;a capacity for winning and holding the utmost loyalty of a group of able lieutenants. The leader has to be practical and a realist, yet must talk the language of the visionary and the idealist .       
                              The book is about the active phase of mass movements.This phase is dominated by the true believer-the man of fanatical faith who is ready to sacrifice his life for a holy cause.When we lead a selfless life , we gain enormously in self -esteem.'The vanity of the selfless, even those who practice utmost humility,is boundless." ''True Believer attempts successfully to trace the genesis of such a fanatic and outline his nature.The opposite of religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic  who cares not  whether there is God or not .The atheist is a religious person .The fanatic mostly comes  from the ranks of the non-creative men of words.He is often ready to sacrifice relatives and friends for his holy cause.A movement is pioneered by men of words, materialized by fanatics and consolidated by men of action .
                               A very insightful book on fanatics , true believers and mass movements.

The Invention of Solitude by Paul Auster

The book is all about solitude , invisible style of life, memory and its relationship with our relationships .If you are looking for  a light entertainment , this novel is not for you .But if you are ready to stretch your mind  a little , it will grow upon you .I liked the book .It has two parts .The first part is 'Portrait of an Invisible Man'.It is about the elusive  life of author's father ,and his feelings after the death of his father.The second part is 'The Book of Memory'.It is about the author and his relationship to his son .The first part is easy to understand and enjoy .The second part is more complex(complicated) , but once you begin to understand it , the rewards are higher .Obviously , the second part takes more time to read .The first part is 73 pages  while the second part is 112 pages long.

                                      Does this sound familiar? "Ït was never possible for him to be where he was.For as long as he lived , he was somewhere else, between here and there.But never really here.And never really there".The author looks at the old pictures left by his father and learns new things about him .And how he learns about the fact that his grandmother murdered his grand father and how and why .For his father , money was not an elixir but an antidote,the small vial of medicine you carry in your pocket when you go out into the jungle-just in case you are bitten by  a poisonous snake .

                                                   The book of memory starts with with a quote from The Adventures of Pinocchio by Collodi.Solitude is crushing .Solitude and memory are related.Only   in the darkness of solitude, the work of memory begins ..Solitude as sung by Billie Holiday:Ïn my solitude ,you haunt me/With reveries of days gone by/In my solitude , you taunt me?with memories , that never die . .. ".Depth of solitude is equally the depth of silence.Stillness of solitudes is almost heart breaking.The act of writing is an act of memory.The idea of  work gives  purpose to his life..He is fond of Anne Frank(Diary of a young  girl).
                                      Paul Auster writes from the depths of his heart and soul .I recommend you to read this novel.

How Macaulay is still shaping modern India

As a member of Indian Administrative service  since 1980 , I  had been looking for a long time a book on Macaulay  , to know about the man who was  responsible , more than any one else , in the creation of Indian Civil Service,drafting of elegant Indian Penal Code , introduced English as a medium of education at grassroots.I am happy that I finally found the book I was looking for .Zareer Masani  has written this absolutely delightful and profound book on Macaulay (Macaulay:Pioneer of India's Modernization, 2012,Random House India:, 269 pages ,Hard cover).After reading  it , I love Macaulay , and I hate him at the same time .Born on October 25,1800 , he died on December28,1859.

                        A few things strike the reader as one progresses through the book ;

1.Macaulay was  always reading  books inluding classics and popular novels.His favourite author was Jane Austen.He rated Northanger Abbey higher than all the works of Dickens and Pliny put together.He had a daily reading session before breakfast. "Ï would rather be a poor man in a garret with plenty of books than a king who did not love reading.".

2.Macaulay never married .He loved his sisters , Margaret and Hannah.

3.Macaulay was a reviewer , essayist and writer.The Lays of Ancient Rome is one of his best remembered books..He was in constant communication with the editor of the Edinburgh Review.

4.He firmly believed in the education of the governed."To trade with civilized men is infinitely more profitable than to govern savages."

5.He was a Westernizer as against Orientalists.

6.If one person is to be named who was responsible for creation of  professional Indian Civil Service , recruited on the basis of an examination , it is undoubtedly Macaulay.

9.He regularly wrote his daily diary.

                           Macaulay was closely involved  in the drafting of The Charter Act of 1833.It effectively nationalized the East India Company and created government of British India(Governor -General -in -Council, based in Calcutta).This Council was accountable to the British Crown..Macaulay was nominated Law Member of the Governor-General's Council in August , 1833.

                         Macaulay ridiculed Indians and  Hindu Gods.He described Ganesh",ä fat man with a paunch like Daniel Lambert's(the fattest man in England), an elephant's head and trunk , a dozen hands , and a serpent's tail" And this is what he felt about Indian music:"the national music of India is most deplorably bad . . .Whether the boatmen or the bearers make the more horrible noise , whether the vocal or instrumental music be the worse , I cannot decide."

                  Macaulay unleashed his famous Education Minute in 1835(when he was about 35 years old) in which he advocated for the need  for English as opposed to Indian Vernacular languages.In this he set the objective of creating a class who may be interpreters between us and the millions whom we govern ;a class of persons, Indian in blood and colour, but English in taste, in opinions , in morals, and in intellect.Here is his much quoted dictum:"who can deny that a single shelf of a good European library was worth the whole literature of India and Arabia"."Public money was henceforth to be spent on imparting to the native population a knowledge of English literature and science through the medium of English language.

                             Macaulay was appointed President of Law Commission for framing a comprehensive Criminal Code for the British India .They prepared the draft of Penal code by 1837.But it was only in 1860 , 22 years after it was written  , that the India Penal Code was finally enacted into law .It came into operation in 1862.It was war of Independence(The Great Mutiny) of 1857 which brought out the urgent need for enacting the new Criminal Code.

                                       Macaulay was a member of the Parliamentary Select Committee which drafted the India Bill of 1853.Its most important provision was the recruitment by open and competitive examination of Indian Civil servants.After passing the Act in 1853, the government set up a special committee with Macaulay as Chairman  , to supervise the implementation of the new system of civil service exams.The first advertisements for the new exam appeared in the London Times in January , 1854.

                     Macaulay has made India the world's second largest English speaking country , second only to the United States of America.

                      Zareer Masani has done  rigorous research  and done full justice to Macaulay in this first biography of this very influential and outstanding shaper of modern India .The book is fascinating and reveals very lucidly how Macaulay is still shaping India , and will continue to shape India .His influence is for ever.

Over , a novel by Margaret Forster

Publishers blurb says that it is a novel that" pushes into the heart of grief".At first , I too thought so .Yes , it is about  love , loss ,grief and pain .But slowly , it grew on me .It starts with grief but that is only one  thread .It is  more about alienation .It is about what  happens  when you expect warmth and kindness from some one close to you( when you  confront the death of someone you love) and  the other one does not come any where near that expectation ."He  didn't take me in his arms first, he didn't present this appaling news any better than his sister had done .From the very minute he heard  he separated himself.We were never together."

                    Happy  memories  continue to bind people but memories don't stretch into future.Is it really necessary to go to the roots of what happened?Does   finding  the truth why the death or loss took place become more important than kindness? " Ï felt angry with Don.He has become so arrogant in his despair and misery, he really thinks  he has been marked out  for suffering  far more than any one else and that this entitles him to receive, but not give , sympathy."

      When alienation begins , phone calls are replaced by emails , and then emails by occassional texts  and then it begins to near the end . You don't  even feel guilty about enjoying yourself.Alienation does bring the feeling of loss of romance and sex but you ignore it.Concern becomes a luxury you can afford." Don was in hospital.Slowly ., on the long drive to hospital, I had begun to feel anxious and troubled about Don and what might have happened , but there was certain luxury about my concern.I could  afford it .This was awful to admit, but I didn't have to admit it to anyone but myself.

            You begin to feel jealous about how affectionate your children are towards the other ."  I had a feeling of alarm:Don had found her,Don would keep her.She would not find a telephone and ring me."He can't be completely out of my life but I don't want him at the centre.

                   It is one of the benefits we bereaved bestow on other people-we make them feel lucky .Alienation is as much painful as grief , if not more.

                                 The book ends with a hope in spite of despair:"I have recovered a little , I will recover more."

 I liked the  novel for its profound  and powerful expression of death , loss , grief , alienation and flickers of hope .

The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison

First things first.The Bluest Eye  moved me and will  haunt   me   for a long , long time .It is a masterpiece , and the first  work of fiction by Toni Morrison.It was  published in 1970 . I strongly recommend you to read it (172 pages).

                     It is the story of  Pecola, a little black girl who yearns for the blue eyes of a little white girl .This was her idea of beauty.But she was a little, poor , innocent , black girl and was subjected to a demonization process. Her innocence and faith were as unproductive as lust and despair of others around her .When the society around her was  unproductive , she could not have become a beautiful girl with the bluest eyes.

                   It is not easy to understand the grief of a little girl who becomes the victim of rape.Her friends fail her.They avoid her .Her guilt  sanctifies her friends and in their hypocrisy , they want to feel clean and beautiful.They are polite but not compassionate .Her poverty keeps her friends generous .What a waste of a precious girl by a society that is so unequal , pollutes , self-serving and indifferent !

                      Toni Morrison completely succeeds , in her poetic style, in compelling us to think to make ourselves  better human beings , and to be truly compassionate to the girls who become victims  ans suffer because of  others.

                     

                                  

The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes

The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes is my first book of 2013.Vintage 2012   paperback edition  has 150 pages.Let me say that I could not understand the book  fully  in the first reading .But I had a sense that I had in my hands a great book which says many things on many planes  , depending on  the interpretation the reader provides not only to the facts but also to the meaning of the whole book .

                            It is the story of Tony Webster, in his sixties.It is a story partly based on memory and partly on  partial documentation .After all , what is  understanding ?It is partly based on our memory of facts , and partly on the documents which we may see or possess.(I recall my  resolution of the new year to base my decisions , views and statements on evidence.)

                               The key lines are:"You still don't get it.You never did, and you never will.So stop even trying."When we recollect many events and relationships of our past , we think we know about them correctly .But it  may not be so .Not that we are stupid .Tony was quite intelligent and mature .But understanding our own motives and others who come close to us , is not so simple .

                            The sense of an ending is about the sense that our illusions or self delusions  may appear to  have come to an end .But it is only the sense of an ending .It not an ending .Our understanding is never complete .

Julian Barnes is a mesmerising  writer.This book is his masterpiece, and richly deserved  Man Booker Prize 2011, which it got .

                   I will reread it in 2013 only .I strongly recommend you to read it .

Obstacles faced by Leaders (2.)

I wrote a blogpost on this topic in October , 2012 .It was written after I had read the book "Why Leaders Can't Lead:The Unconscious Conspiracy continues"(Warren Bennis).I had an opportunity to think through this vital , topical and important subject when Bankers Institute of Rural Development(BIRD), Lucknow invited me to address  a group of Senior Bankers on this very subject .I found that I have a lot more to say  .Also ,I had the opportunity of discussing it with three of my friends, who are esteemed leaders in their own right .I share  below some of the  thoughts I included in my address.

                                     Two most important obstacles before leaders today are related to vision.The first is lack of vision ,unclear vision , fractured vision or unstable/changing vision .This happens due to inadequate tenures and frequent changes at the top , leading to instability in vision .It is partly a result of election cycles, political appointments and changing political leadership .

                                   The second obstacle relates to inadequate sharing of vision .The investment of time and resources required in building a shared vision is not there .Most of the leaders do not realize the importance and essentiality of sharing the vision .A shared vision is different from the personal vision of leader.Peter M . Senge has adequately emphasized the need for building a shared vision in his book The Fifth Discipline , and I do not wish to stress this point again .Those who are interested are strongly advised to read  or re-read The Fifth Discipline .Apart from leader , followers have their own visions and do not want to change their vision easily ,thanks to individualism inherited by our generation .The absence of a shared vision is the biggest obstacle faced by a leader .

                                       The third obstacle faced by a  leader is their distance from the reality .Most of the leaders live in an unreal world, where they believe that a person in India(New Delhi) can live on six rupees a day.Leaders live in a world made and created by advertizing , media , Movies , fashion, technology and shopping malls.Leaders donot touch the lives of living people they want to lead.The result is a long distance/chasm  between the leader and the followers.
                                 It is debatable whether bureaucracy is always an obstacle for the leader. They have expertise and understanding but also develop entrenched interests. .But generally speaking , to begin with , bureaucracy can be an obstacle .Bureaucracy has set , laid down procedures and processes , and these are not always result oriented .Some of these are based on historical contexts and some are irrelevant and unduly complicated and dilatory , requiring reforms .In addition , bureaucracy is  divided into departments , with  narrow focus .These  organization men and women do work in silos , posing as an obstacle before a leader.
                                          Most of the leaders I talked to , complained about poor work ethics in India.It is difficult to find human resources with dedication to work , professional ethics , punctuality and integrity .There is a natural resistance to change .
                                        Many organizations are closed , and with fixed mindsets of employees.They do not look for opportunities and not open .Such organization pose  big obstacles for leaders.
                                          A leader  generally confronts workers who are demotivated and have become cynical and dis-illusioned.They do not easily trust the intentions of the leader , thereby posing a big challenge.Leaders , to have a short cut , rely excessively on extrinsic rewards and motivators.They fail to look at intrinsic sources of motivation like respect and high expectations.
                                       Most often , leaders choose their Ghostly Doubles as their core assistants .This is known as Doppelganger Phenomena.The selected assistants are from the same stock in attitudes  and ideas .This creates a band of Yesmen and Yes women around leaders , resulting in often wrong decisions .Assistants should be as diverse as possible .This diversity leads to more mature decision making .
                                        A leader faces obstacles from his colleagues and bosses as well .Colleagues may not accept his/her leadership and may feel that they are superior to the leader .Bosses also sometimes compete with the leader if she or he is more charismatic.Sometimes , bosses may have a vision or a view or values which is different from the leaders'view/vision/values .This may  prove to be a big obstacle for the leader .
                           A leader also has to face organizational politics as well as interse conflicts. and ego issues among individuals , groups and cliques.When the going gets tough , the leader begins to fear failure .As a result , the agenda for  personal survival dominates over organizational agenda.
                             A leader may suffer from a burn-out  as a result of being overwhelmed by the work load,the frustrations,the stress and the demands.As a result , the leader may no longer care.The leader must learn to recognize the signs of burnout . Another stage is that of burn-down when the leader  experiences the loss of passion or intensity or enthusiasm due to familiarity or long service.Burn-down is not as obvious as burn-out.Both are very formidable obstacle for a leader.
                                   The leader has some power . The more power he /she has the less is questioning by the followers.As  a result , the leader begins to acquire power at the expense of the greater community .There is "Know it all"attitude .The leader has a tendency to become overbearing , presumptuous, arrogant and full of hubris.There is less tolerance for constructive criticism.Humility begins to decline , and complacency takes over .The leader begins to lose the right to lead.Some leaders have an obsession with bottomlines and profits.They treat workers as tools, and care less for the customers.
                                             Often , the leader fails to live by his own rules , standards and stated value .This hypocrisy is a big obstacle faced by the leader.
                                              There is always a loneliness at the top .The leader has great difficulty in socialization .Too much familiarity and social interaction with professional colleagues and followers  can lead to problems at work place .
                               Litigation , conflicting and often ambiguous court judgements can lead to the replacement of expertise, and finally to sub-optimal decisions .Labour laws , union actions can further affect the working and decision making .Objective feedback about the performance may not be available .All these prove obstacle for  the leader.
                              The leader may have the inability to keep up with the young, emotionally ,socially ,occupationally and technologically.New technologies need technology savvy leaders.
                              In India, especially in public sector(to some extent , in private sector too),there is general lack of accountability regarding performance .There is a general inability to punish or correct for non-performance , and even for intentionally delinquent actions.Poor performers are either moved sideways or upwards, rather than being turned out of the organizations .
                                    Having listed the above , rather long list of obstacles faced by leaders , let me hasten to add that a true leader firmly believes that there is always a better way of doing every thing , and that all obstacles can be surmounted and eventually make you a better leader .
                                      

My Guiding Principles in Professional Life

             

It is easy to talk about a principled life but as one  chooses to work in the real world , full of contradictions and paradoxes  , it becomes increasingly difficult to  choose the principles which can guide us effectively .I have been in search of a set of su
1.The "Rule of Law"and not any individual is supreme .
2.Maintenance of standards of conduct , speech , behaviour and dress.
3.Evidence based  discussions , decisions and judgements .
4.Taking responsibility .
5.Truth and uncompromising integrity .
6.Fairness, justice and impartialty.
7.Caring and responsiveness.
8.Political neutrality.
9.Anonymity.
10.Bias for action .
11.Focus on action and not on fruits of action .
12.Freedom from prejudice .Openness.
13.Non-controlling and non-possessiveness in relationships .
14.Steadfastness , persistence , perseverance , patience and determination.
15.Forward looking ;Learning from past .
16.Learning continuously and for life.
17.Creativity and innovation .
18.Consultative style of working .
19.Eternal vigilance and non-complacency.
20.Self-awareness and self-knowledge.
                        It is my firm belief that we should lead a professional life based on principles .Only in cases where our principles  come in conflict with  caring for others that we need to carefully  consider the situation and decide .This I have dealt with separately in one of my earlier blogpost "Caring and not the principles . ."